So, my daughter is turning five this week. My first baby who made me into a mother and inspired this blog by leading me into the world of breastfeeding and all it encompasses. Well she’s five and I can’t believe it. Five seems like a fun age. She is maturing and starting to be somewhat rational. I see a light at the end of the baby and toddler tunnel. Well, with her. I still have two others behind her. In honor of her birthday I am sharing this piece I wrote about her on her third birthday below.
To this..practically overnight.
I didn’t realize it yet, but you made me a mother as soon as I saw the two pink lines. When the worry kicked in, and I was consumed with what was growing inside of me. When I analyzed every symptom and wondered what it meant. When I worried and lost sleep over test results. You made me a mother then.
You made me a mother when my water broke and the fear, adrenaline and excitement overtook me. I was shaking and nervous as I arrived at the hospital, but when the labor really picked up and I could not remember all my little fears anymore, all that mattered was your safe arrival and meeting you as soon as possible!
You made me a mother when you went to the NICU and I was so scared and everything was surreal. I feared I was missing out on some kind of bonding, but of course I was a mother now and we would bond.
You made me a mother as I was consumed with successfully breastfeeding. My life was now all about you and your needs. I could no longer think first about myself, and I was so thrilled when we made it and breastfeeding started to work.
You made me a mother as I spent so much of my time rocking and nursing you. So much time devoted, but there was nowhere else I would have rather been than holding you and feeling you melt into me.
You made me a mother as I worried about every decision I made and whether it was right or wrong. Was I doing the best I could by you? Nights spent devouring every piece of information I could find on cluster feeding, sleep and parenting. Hours spent researching every decision made.
You made me a mother as our bond grew stronger every day and I could understand you instinctively in a way nobody else can. You made me a new person, a person I hardly recognized but I really liked.
You made me a mother when I realized my happiness is found in your growth, each milestone met, each step towards independence. Each moment that makes me so happy and feels bittersweet at the same time.
You made me a mother when I realized my days revolve around you and your desires. I want to see you grow, enjoy, explore and have fun. It brings me a joy I could have never imagined.
You made a mother when I realized that passing stages are hard, and sometimes I long for that tiny baby that can fit right in my arms again.
You made me a mother when I realized the analyzation, research, decision making continues indefinitely, and will no doubt get harder and harder. The second guessing and guilt over decisions made will never go away.
You made me a mother that time you threw the biggest tantrum I had ever experienced in the mall. Carrying you out screaming and hysterical while strangers stared. In that moment I had a new found respect for my mother and all mothers everywhere.
You made me a mother and brought me an understanding and connection to all parents. I’ve always been your mother and known you. No matter where you go in life, how you grow, you will always be my baby and have your mother behind you, your biggest supporter.